October 14, 2010
Washington, D.C.
Twenty-four year congressman Wally Herger (R-Chico,CA) has pulled out of his only scheduled debate with Democratic challenger Jim Reed because Reed refuses to apologize for discussing rumors that Herger may have Alzheimer's Disease.
"All I'm saying," explained Reed from his campaign headquarters in the passenger side of his pick-up, "is that Wally uses the same shoe polish on his hair that Reagan did. Maybe some of it has seeped through his soft skull and warped his tiny dinosaur brain. Or maybe he's a robot. Either way, I really want to debate that dumbass now!"
Internet busybody Jim Swanson provided a little bit of flimsy proof that something is wrong underneath Mr. Herger's well oiled, slowly flipping lid.
"The runaway bride eyes and Morris Taylor smile have always made Herger seem like a bit of a simpleton," posted Swanson in his blog
The Unreadable Progressive. "His case of proud right wing tourette's syndrome last year put him in the national spotlight as a twelve-term dunce and his recent George W. Bush imitation (dropping into a pot bust by helicopter in full camo) was especially embarrassing when Wally kept yelling 'Whee!' as he was lowered slowly in front of the cameras."
Herger's campaign denies that he is ditching out on the debate because he is, as Reed charges, a mental midget.
"It's despicable to point out how stupid someone is," said Herger's hired shill John Gilliard as he busily painted mustaches and buck teeth on Jim Reed posters while trying to figure out where to hide The Absentminded Congressman until after the election.
"Wally Herger has never authored significant legislation, rarely votes against the Republican party line, blindly supports the Patriot Act, gets his environmental information from B.P. commercials, his health care policy from insurance companies, his gardening tips from the logging industry, and his free samples from the pharmaceutical lobby. Congressman Herger believes this shows quite clearly he still remembers who his real friends are. As for the comparison to President Reagan, Mr. Herger is honored and will take that as an apology. But we're still not going to debate."
The dueling banjo candidates finally met face to face at the Red Bluff Kiwanis meeting at The Palomino Room yesterday, ensuring almost no one would hear what they said. The Standard has received a leaked transcript of the event. Any similarity to the exchange and a typical afternoon on the playground is surely unintended.
Reed took the podium first and didn't shirk from the issue at hand.
"I understand Ol' Nimrod here is upset that I publicly noted his symptoms of Alzheimer's. I may have been wrong in that assessment. I now am convinced he suffers from Adult Onset Down Syndrome. The man will do anything to get Sarah Palin to notice him. I'm no doctor, but I know a 'tard when I see one."
The tiny congressman and former ventriloquist dummy scampered off his booster seat and climbed the step stool behind the podium to address the crowd of what some estimated to be over a dozen.
"I do not have Alzheimer's. As a 24-year member of Congress, I clearly recall signing the Contract With America which stated Congress members would have term limits of twelve years. That was 1994--sixteen years ago and I still remember it like it was yesterday."
When asked if he could remember what day yesterday was, Herger declined to answer, announcing that the "debate" was over, and trying to leave the building through the little cowgirls room.
Jim Reed posed with the mechanical bull and twirled his guns for the rest of his allotted time.
Most polls show that even if Wally Herger died of Alzheimer's tomorrow he would still beat Reed by double digits for the second district seat. The unredistrictable district.
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