February 26, 2010
Orlando, FL
Tilikum, the serial killer whale responsible for at least three deaths, will be spared from the ultimate penalty himself after he pled guilty to the lesser charge of ponytail pulling following the apparent accidental smashing of one of his trainers at Sea World in Orlando. He was released back into his pen without further incident. For now.
At a press conference translated by his publicist, Tilikum expressed his dismay over killing yet another one of his so-called best friends. "I honestly don't know how this could keep happening," Tilikum bellowed, spraying the crowd with spit and sea water. "I am such a klutz!"
He related how each of the earlier deaths had occurred, getting teary-eyed with the recollections.
"The first one was in 1991, when another female trainer fell into the pool where some of my friends and I were hanging out. We thought she was a beach ball until she started leaking blood. We love new toys. Then in 1999, some dude jumped into the tank and called me out. I tried to gently prod him back onto the pavement, but he broke. And now Dawn. I swear, normally she likes to have her hair pulled. Guess I got a little excited. Sometimes I don't know my own strength. I should be banished to the wild. Really. Throw my sorry ass out to sea. Please!"
Reminded that he no longer knows how to hunt in the wild, the serial killer whale laughed. "Yeah, right. Anybody can see I'd starve to death out there. Hahahahahaha...it would serve me right. Nothing but thousands of miles of ocean for me to cruise around in. Why would I want that when I could have a cozy cement pen in Florida? And all the fish I can eat from a bucket? I love three day old sushi! The hospitality here is first rate and I just don't deserve it. Honestly, cast me out! Please, for the love of God..."
Sea World has instead decided to keep him in Orlando where he is an important part of the breeding program. "That's another thing," Tilikum whistled through his blowhole, "I am getting sick and tired of fucking these fat whales. Can we please get some new hoes up in this bitch? I'd love to get my fins on some of that Prince William Sound orca pussy."
Tilikum may never find true happiness or repentance at Sea World. He closed the press conference with this enigmatic statement: "Don't worry about ol' Tili. I'm about ready to go Shawshank on this place." Whatever that means.
He added, "That means I will kill again, suckah!"
Animal rights groups claim keeping whales in captivity is what turns them into serial killers and that being serial killers is what makes them so popular with the ladies. Tilikum receives dozens of marriage proposals every month.
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