February 19, 2010
Reno, NV
Moments after making a public apology for infidelity and "letting down his fans," Tiger Woods boarded a small plane, flew to Nevada and crashed it into The Gopher Ranch, a mobile home and house of prostitution outside Reno. He climbed out of the cockpit engorged and ready to lay waste to every ho in the house.
No casualties have been reported, but apparently everyone was well tipped.
"It was awful," said John Doe, a customer who survived the explosion, "there was no hookers left for the rest of the married men. Oh, the humanities..."
Miss Kitty, self-described madame of the unlicensed bordello said she could feel the initial explosion deep in her hoo-ha. Moments later a second explosion, this one from Woods' raging nine iron, covered her in golfer goo. "He played below par on the front nine after going into the rough several times," she purred. "And his performance on the back nine was...well, he IS Tiger, after all. I'm writing a book about it that will be made into a movie on You Porn."
Analysts are still looking over the apology, hoping to find a clue as to why Woods would commit an act of domestic terrorism and cheat on his poor, fat, ugly wife again. "We think it may have something to do with taxes or Ryan Seacrest," whined a spokesman for AT&T. "We just don't know at this point."
CNN's Wolf Blitzer took Tiger's admonishment of the media to heart. "He doesn't want us to follow his kids anymore? What will we do to distract the public from war and rising unemployment? Michael Jackson is dead, Britney Spears is normal, Andy Dick is sober. We're finished! Oh, look! Jennifer Aniston is fucking an 18 year old!"
In a late developing side story, fake patriot and Teabag Party founder Harry T. Estes says he was so impressed by Woods's courage that he is thinking of changing the group's name to The Golfbag Party (after googling it to make sure it's not a homosexual act). In an interview with leader of the stupid, Glenn Beck on Fox News, Estes was adamant in his support of Woods.
"It's obvious the man has had enough. I'm not condoning violence, but sometimes you just have to crash a plane into a building. I think the small white portion of Tiger Woods is fed up with the black half of Barack Obama just like the rest of us. Besides, the tree of liberty needs to be refreshed from time to time with new cooch."
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