Originally posted March 16, 2010
Updated March 19, 2015
(All we did was change the Supervisor names, except for Bob 'Buzzkill' Williams)
Red Bluff, CA
What started as a regular Tehama County Supervisors meeting this afternoon quickly turned into an Amsterdam-style debate on which part of the county grows the best marijuana.
The argument began when District 1 Supervisor Steve Chamblin, who recently supported District 4 Supervisor Bob Williams's 'urgency ordinance' that banned outdoor medical marijuana gardens, confused the crowd by whispering too loudly to a reporter "Off the record, everybody knows you need wide open spaces to grow good gange--that's why the Bowman Blue is da bomb."
"I heard that," yelled District 2 Supervisor Candy Carlson, who has fielded many complaints from her primarily residential Red Bluff constituency that the law will discriminate against citizens with little or no property. "Just because someone on Walnut Street has to grow their stash in a windowbox doesn't mean it isn't every bit as good as your bogus Bowman blowhard smoke." Carlson was the only supervisor with the brains or balls to oppose the ordinance.
Williams tried to reconcile his colleagues, but only made matters worse.
"Listen man," he said, trying to be cool. "Bowman Blue and Walnut Street Windowbox are both some of the finest grass grown in the county. Anyone suffering from a medical condition like boredom would be well served by either one of those kind local agricultural medicinals. Of course if you really want to blow your gourd you'll step up from the schwag and burn some crumbly, skunky Paskenta Purple. Anyone who knows their 420 knows the PP is the shit."
"Objection," shouted District 5 Supervisor Burt 'Bud' Bundy. "It's common knowledge that the Fine Vina Vine is Tehama County's sweetest herbal cure. Grown on the open plains in cow crap and sunshine--you can't beat that, dagnabbit!"
District 3 Supervisor Dennis Garton suggested a competition to settle the matter, pulling out his bong and a bag of stank Paynes Creek Kush to start things off. Chamblin scoffed at Garton's bitchin' skull-shaped water pipe, rolling a bomber joint in one hand and passing it to Carlson, who had already begun puffing on her own stuffed corncob pipe. Williams loaded up a vaporizer ("Snob!," yelled someone from the crowd) and Bundy broke out a plate of homegrown Gerber Green brownies.
The audience, who had sat mostly in stunned silence as the supervisors debated, now stepped forward to take full part in the discussion. Everyone smoked, laughed, and forgot what they had been fighting about before adjourning to Bud's Jolly Cone for milkshakes and tater tots.
"That whole argument was a farce," complained medical marijuana advocate Jason 'Green' Browne as he watched the party leave without him. "It was all hollow posturing--we're no closer to having a workable marijuana ordinance in this county than we were yesterday. Besides, everyones knows I grows da best weeds arounds, byatches!"
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