Chico, CA
March 1, 2010
Brand new contributor to The Merry Standish Standard, Steve Morgan, is convinced he is now a professional fake news reporter. He has taken to sitting on a stool at the West End of Duffy's Bar, trading stories "from the trenches" with other wannabe fake journalists like Tom Gascoyne and Robert "Don't call me Robert" Speer.
It all started after his recent move to Chico from abroad. Four broads, actually. He stumbled upon the Standard while searching for pornography online and thought to himself, "I can do that!" So he did. He started scribbling allegedly humorous headlines on empty Celestino's boxes until he finally got up the nerve to send some to the notoriously picky, critically acclaimed, and technically unpublished comedy news duo.
The first few sucked, but when the Writing Staff found themselves too hung over to craft new headlines last month a Morgan missive was retrieved from the shredding pile and found to have sufficient potential for the journalistic
jerk-offs geniuses to turn into something funny.
The former cabbie was at first ecstatic to have one of his headlines fleshed out into an actual fake news report, but it wasn't enough. A few days later he emailed an entire story to the Writing Staff, who were lazy enough to find it almost publishable in its first draft. Minor changes were made, jokes were inserted, and it was hastily posted to the famous fake online newspaper as good solid filler. Morgan immediately sent off a series of rapid-fire emails to The Standard.
"Did you really laugh at it? I mean really, really laugh at it?"
"What was your favorite part?"
"Why didn't I get a byline?"
"Do you think Rolling Stone will reprint it?"
"Is 'The Merry Standish Standard featuring Steve Morgan' too long of a masthead?"
"I'm also an excellent cook."
Proud as a puffed up peacock, the new Standard Cub Reporter sent out a link to every person he has ever known. He even framed his first paycheck for The Standard standard fee of $0.00.
Morgan's story, an exclusive look at the new airline policy of passengers paying by the pound, was dismissed by many of his peers in cyberspace. "It's like a first-time stand-up routine," said internet gadfly Juanita Sumner in an anthrax-laced letter bomb addressed to The Standard. "Airport jokes and fat jokes?!? This guy's not just a fake reporter, he's a hack comedian. Is that the only criteria for working on your silly collection of dirty words and stolen pictures? Because my city councilman is so fat..."
Morgan was, of course, never contacted for comment. He can be found at Happy Hour (usually for several hours) working on his Pulitzer acceptance speech and hitting on women out of his league.
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