June 16, 2010
Red Bluff, CA
"Mama, Take This Badge Off Of Me
I Can't Use It Anymore.."
The dust has settled in the Tehama County Sheriff's race, a full week after most people forgot there was an election and soon-to-be former Sheriff Clay Parker is kicking back in his office, listening to a little Bob Dylan and answering reporters' questions.
County officials have finally-almost-sort of finished counting the over 14,000 votes cast and the winner is believed to be successful sign hanger and sheriff's detective Dave Hencratt. With over 400 votes separating Hencratt from incumbent Parker and 170 provisional ballots left to count, County Clerk Bev Ross says she's "pretty sure Clay can't make up the difference and it would take years for us to count 170 votes. We're giving it to Dave."
Hardly disappointed, Parker declared, "The weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Oh wait, those are my medals..."
Soon, however, he will have the weight of a woman in a tight sequined dress on them instead, as he also announced he will be appearing on the hit ABC-TV show 'Dancing With The Stars'.
"They've been bugging me to do this for years," Parker explained to a dwindling number of reporters outside his now temporary office. "But I was always busy serving and protecting the ungrateful voters of this dumb county. Now I'll have the time to pursue my first love." He then did a pirouette and took a deep bow.
Many people who had always thought Parker's first loves were the rule of law and Hempfest were surprised to find out that he's such a dedicated dancer. "Everyone knows I'm pretty good at tap dancing, but I think they'll be surprised to find out what a tango master I am. 1-2-3-4...step, ball, change."
Parker, who qualified for the hugely popular dance competition because he is the great-great grandson of the Lone Ranger, says he's not sure who his partner will be. "I don't really care who she is as long as she's a great hoofer and not too much taller than me," laughed the Lilliputian lawdog. Some possible Parker partner names that have been bandied about are Betty White, Angela Davis, Bombshell McGee, and disco queen life coach Faydra Rector-Sergeant.
Parker says he'll be working hard to get in shape for the competition. "I'm doing Avery Vilche's Boot Camp workout--my ass has never been tighter. I'm also tanning on a regular basis and got a full Brazilian wax."
His biggest concern is finding a proper outfit for the competition.
"I wanted to wear my uniform, but Dave says he needs it for parts. He's got a tough road ahead of him, catching criminals and upholding justice with no money in the budget. You couldn't pay me enough to do that guy's job! I may settle for a vintage Bob Mackie lavender jumpsuit with plunging V-neck and Bolero vest."
The diminutive do-gooder says he hopes to use either "I Fought The Law And The Law Won" or "Sex Machine" as his dance music.
Hencratt, who served as a detective under Parker and has been with the department for two decades, says he wishes his predecessor good luck and envies his new life path.
"I hope after I'm sheriff for close to twenty years and get the boot by a fickle and angry electorate, I have the courage to go after my dreams--I always wanted to ride a unicycle. Or a unicorn, I don't care."
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