April 11, 2012
Lancaster, PA.
Failed Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has announced that he will return to his full time position as an internet joke.
"It's pretty clear that America thinks I'm just a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex, " admitted the former senator from Pennsylvania, referring to an internet campaign by butt-banging activist Dan Savage which has resulted in that definition being one of the top 'Santorum' google hits since 2003.
"You can't escape who you are," admitted Santorum, his man boobs sagging a little more than usual beneath his tear-stained, snot covered sweater vest. "I'm just a sex-hating, homo-me-phobic bigot with a broken dream. And a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex. Which I guess makes me a hypocrite too. That should have been enough to win the Republican nomination, but I guess America prefers their hypocrites be two-faced on immigration and health care rather than just sex."
That not-so-veiled reference to flip-flopping front runner and presumptive Republican nominee Mitt Romney underscored the split that still remains in the party. With only four months left until the Republican Convention in Tampa, party members have yet to decide whether to lose to President Obama on complex issues like shaping health care reform and economic recovery or just keep on hating the black guy and see if that works.
That leaves only check-bouncing deadbeat serial adulterer Newt Gingrich and The Invisible Man Of The GOP, Ron Paul, still in the race. When asked about Santorum withdrawing, Romney laughed like a rich man who had just fired a longtime employee to avoid paying full pension benefits.
"Did you see that car he was driving? It's last year's model! He clearly can't afford to be president."
When no-one laughed with him, Romney quickly changed his tone.
"What I meant was Rick Santorum has run a fine campaign and I wish him luck in the future as a frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."
Santorum says that in addition to keeping liberals laughing whenever they google his name, he plans to spend more time saying he plans to spend more time with his family while actually starting a run for the 2016 election.
"It's never too early to get your name out there," agreed funny-named Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus. "Unless your name is Santorum."
Photo stolen from Dan Savage's 'Spreading Santorum' websiteCommentReturn To ArchivesReturn To Merry Standish Standard Main Page
