Feb. 12, 2010
Tokyo, Japan
In response to the worldwide panic caused by defective Toyota products, Hiney Dolls, a Japanese manufacturer of sex robots, is recalling two million units.
The malfunctions ranged from mild electric shock, which some users actually enjoyed, to full penile severing (now known in the industry as the Robot Bobbitt).
The injuries, which went completely unreported due to embarrassment on the part of the victims, were often attributed to faulty zippers, passionate whittling, and carnival rides. They are actually a result of a faulty gearbox in the silicone vagina. While some injuries were reported anonymously to the company, an environment of loyalty and secrecy kept authorities from being told. So, like all well trusted brands in the land of the rising sun, they kept trying to mutilate and kill their customers.
One man, whom his friends now to refer as Stumpy, said all was well until his cybernetic galpal, Electra, began to moan. "I was really giving it to her," he reminisced, "and I could tell she was totally getting off on me." Then he broke down into tears. "She began to shudder, buck, and scream. Her juices were really flowing. But I suddenly realized it was blood and the screams were coming from me! Why did she do this? Why?"
The robots, which cost around $7000, (more for the skanky ones) have been the focus of many news stories and lots of industry hype. Cable news reporters have been making fools of themselves in efforts to get close to one of the alluring androids, many of them saying they have at last found their soulmates. CNN's Larry King robot has already married and divorced two of the defective Japanese models, paying each millions in oilimony.
The recall is creating severe repercussions in Japan and northern Montana, where 82% of men are believed to be committed users. In Japan, sources said it may lead to an increase in suicides, while in Montana it is expected to lead to sheep abuse and a 'Brokeback Mountain' sequel.
Alaskans are refusing to send their dolls back. They are pretty tough up in The Last Frontier. The Native Eskimo population have been using their fucktoys in the traditional way, with brothers lending each other robots to get them through the long, cold nights and then using them to jumpstart their trucks in the morning. Nuk Klutuk told us, "We'll send ours back in July when it's light out all day. They don't look so good in the light."
Men everywhere, citing the Hiney Dolls' inability to nag them about leaving dirty underwear on the floor, seem willing to risk anything to have such a partner.
Obese depressed guy Artie Lange of New Jersey says "I hear they even have fake orgasms just like real girls."
In a related story, Chinese dildo manufacturer Wangcredible is recalling their best-selling model "Mao Tse Dong" because a few hundred thousand turned out to be poisonous to children.
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