My lovely wife officially became my lovely old lady earlier this month--Liz Merry turned 83. Not really. Only 51, but that was old enough to put her on an iceberg and watch her sail out to sea. Very sad. I'll miss her, but I still have her AARP magazine to keep me company. And that is a good magazine, I'm embarrassed to say. This month alone they had five great articles:
" How to Accesorize a Cancerous Growth "
" Retirement--Feggedaboutit !"
" You're Not The Only One Who's Scared Of Everything "
" How to Tell If You Smell "
And the disturbingly hot " Alzheimers Girls Gone Wild " (Damn, does that Phyliss Diller shave down!)
I was just kidding about the iceberg thing. I did not put Liz on an iceberg--I mean, where the hell are you gonna find an iceberg these days? Besides, she's in great shape for a guy who's in my shape (which is sort of like a trapezoid with rounded corners).
There isn't a day goes by that somebody doesn't tell me,
"You are very lucky to have the lovely Liz Merry as your wife. "
And I always say, " Yes, dear. "
So yes, I am still lucky after nineteen years of being Mr. Liz Merry. But I've had to adjust my porn habit. In an attempt to stay ahead of the curve, I've been watching a lot of granny porn. That way, 51 looks pretty good. The scary part is 60 doesn't look so bad now. You can't watch too much granny porn though, because then you start thinking every 60 old woman wants you to cum on her glasses. But just try it a couple times and youll find out that's not true. Still, its good to know when Liz reaches retirement age she can always make a few bucks gangbanging the Shriners or blowing some frat boys on camera. Instead of just doing it for fun. (That reminds me, I'd like to pass on some wisdom to young married couples; Tape your homemade porno NOW!)
My old lady and me have a bond. A big leather one. Hooked to the headboard. It was a gift from Liz's mother, God bless her. She knows how hard it is to keep things fresh after years and years and years of marriage, no end in sight.... After you've made sweet, sweet love to even the most beautiful woman in the world 10,000 times, you can't help but look around a little bit. I'm not talking about cheating. I'm talking about working up an appetite. I mean if you gotta eat the same thing every day, you might as well be hungry.
Although I would have banged Brittany Murphy hard if it would have saved her life. And it would have.
As I get closer to Liz's age, I think less about crazy, filthy, crowd-pleasing sexual escapades and more about fond memories, security, and who else would make speshy breakfast? I've grown to realize Liz is the one who knows what my dreams are. Where my sore spots are. Where my keys are...Where the remote is...What's on at the movies?...How much money do we have?...Where are my shoes?...What's that guys name from the place?...Where's the car parked?...Do I have to shave?...Is this shirt too faggy?...Is that my mother on the phone?...Can you cancel that for me?...Can you sew this?...What's for dinner?....Where's the lighter?......Did you feed the dogs?....Can I have a blow a job?...Did you write this or did I?
For more on what its like to be a horny old lady read the all new Liz Merrys Unmentionables column.
Posted 12/22/09
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