May 28, 2010
Washington, D.C.
Fed up with what he calls "a disgusting lack of productive action" on the part of British Petroleum and his own administration to stop the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, President Obama announced he will return to the region Friday and cork the broken pipe himself.
Armed only with a couple tubes of plumber's putty and his photographic memories of oil drilling platform schematics (an old hobby), Obama plans to make the mile-deep dive, swim through the lumpy spewage, plug the leak, and return to the surface all in one breath.
"It's kind of like pearl diving," quipped the president, "except for the violent torrent of freezing muddy oil that will be blasting me in the face the entire time and the bone crushing pressure of over a ton per square inch at that depth. It'll be like addressing a Tea Party meeting. People say it can't be done, but I am accustomed to achieving the impossible."
Indeed the president's plan is already drawing criticism from Republicans.
"We finally have oil flowing like water and the Anointed One wants to shut off the spigot," screeched Fox News squawking head Sean Hannity from his personal oil-filled bathtub. "Do you really need any more proof that this guy is in bed with Big Ocean?"
"I'm no racist," said racist Congressman Steve King (R-IA), "but all this bragging about taking just one breath to make the dive--everyone knows that's because half-blacks have an extra lung. It's why they're such good singers."
Obama let such comments pass like unrefined oil off a pelican's back.
"When I'm done plugging the leak, I'll re-build the pipe and platform before reviving the dead workers to carry on their important task. Then maybe a quick game of hoop with my homies before solving the Korean crisis and building a border fence out of recycled cash-for-clunker cars."
Just weeks ago, the president made it clear that he was in favor of expanding offshore drilling on the East Coast, confusing supporters and detractors alike. Disillusioned environmentalists cried softly into their organic cotton-hemp blend handkerchiefs, while opiate fiend Rush Limbaugh was certain it was a trick.
"Don't believe a word of it," Limbaugh slurred and snorted on his radio program. "He does not support offshore drilling and has now manufactured this leak to make people think it's dangerous. Then he gets to swoop in and fix the so-called problem single-handedly so a grateful nation of sheep will elect him Socialist Dictator for Life. I told you people this would happen. All because of a little oil in the water. Who cares? I never go to the beach anyway, because crazy environmentalist are always trying to roll me back in at high tide."
A moratorium on new offshore drilling has, in fact, been ordered by the president, who will now be free to push some of his other wacko energy ideas. Four of the most likely are-
1) Channel the pureness of his soul into electricity.
2) Harness the hot air of the midterm election campaigns to run turbines.
3) Get Michelle and Oprah onto stationary bikes attached to generators (what he and Steadman call The Win-Win.)
4) Solar.
But first, he must plug the leaks on the floor of the Gulf. The entire world will hold its breath (not as long as him, of course) and hope he succeeds. Except for Sean Hannity.
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