June 12, 2010
Sacramento, CA
Permanent Congressman Wally Herger (R-Chico) easily turned back a challenge by conservative primary opponent Colonel Pete 'Private Citizen' Stiglich in Tuesday's election. Most media analysts see the result as a vindication for the flaming liberal policies of the 13-term congressman and say he now has a green light to proceed with the final communization of Northern California.
"I stand for smaller government, less taxes, and invasive security to keep us free," said a recorded voice coming from a cardboard cut-out of Herger at his Washington, D.C. office.
(Correction: The Standard has learned that the cardboard cut-out with the recorded voice was in fact the real Wally Herger. Our apologies for the mistake.)
Angry teabaggers throughout the district had hoped Stiglich could defeat Herger and take the state in a more conservative direction with his promises of "smaller government, less taxes, and invasive security to keep us free"
"Wally's nothing but a Wobblie," said retired logging scab Burt McNuttle as he collected his disability check and Medicare refund on his way to heckle welfare moms outside the family services building in Redding. "Twenty-four years feeding at the public trough have turned him into Hugo Chavez. I'd like to see the man's birth certificate."
Herger himself denies being a hippie, but does say he drives a car that runs on the oil from his hair.
"Everyone knows I support our military, and it was hard for me to run against a retired colonel." Herger himself avoided the draft during the Viet Nam war through a student deferment from CSU Sacramento, from which he never graduated. He is comfortable in the ranks of other chickenhawks who avoided service during that police action. "You don't see anybody calling Rush, Dick Cheney, Lamar Alexander, Paul Wolfowitz, Ken Starr, Karl Rove, or Pat Robertson a hippie, do you? Are Ralph Reed, Dan Quayle, Saxby Chambliss, Justice Scalia, Trent Lott or Wayne LaPierre hippies? Of course not. Lots of good right-wing conservatives were too scared to go to war, but thankfully are brave enough to send your kids."
Stiglich was not surprised that his grass roots angry white people populism didn't fare better against Herger's radical socialism.
"I guess it really is the end times," mused the retired air force colonel as he whittled a MiG-17 fighter jet out of cherry wood. "Shot down a few of these in The 'Nam," he cackled. "Ah, we're just old and in the way. Intellectuals and overeducated thinkers like Wally Herger have managed to tap into the calls for change in this country and are going to move forward with their progressive agenda. Next thing you know they'll be putting wacky tobaccy on the ballot...What? It is?"
Stiglich has not ruled out the chance that he will run against Herger again. "Somebody has to put a stop to these godless lefties. We need to take our country back."
COMMENT FROM JIM DYAR: I know some have accused him of hating America. But as Wally explained recently, "That's just the BAND America. Why in the world would a horse have no name, anyway? It's silly not to give a horse a name! I'm against it."
COMMENT FROM KELLY BECKMAN: As per usual, incredible! Glad I tapped into your site.Keep up the great work
CommentReturn To ArchivesReturn To Merry Standish Standard Main Page
