February 21, 2010
Washington, D.C.
As many airports around the country experience riots by airline passengers in response to the imposition of new charges for toilet paper and oxygen in cabins, the National Air Transportation Association announced agreement among all airlines to charge passengers by the pound and eliminate fees for baggage, old pretzels and H1N1-infested pillows.
"The old system of fees for every little fucking thing was just not working," said newly appointed airline spokesman, George Clooney, Academy Award winning star of "Up in the Air" and the upcoming sequel, "Flying Coach Is For Douchebags". Recent reports that parents were skinning their extra offspring for warmth on planes rather than shell out $8 for a blanket prompted swift action by a united airline industry.
Most indications are that the new fee schedules will be well received by all concerned. From the airlines' perspective, they expect banner years in the future as they haul around vast numbers of Americans who are too short for their size.
"Passengers have responded well to this new way of paying their weight...I mean way," added Clooney. "We ran it by well rounded, if overblown, film director Kevin Smith, who was recently ejected from a Southwest Air flight for being too fat." Smith, the only person from Red Bank, New Jersey who has been allowed either in front of or behind a camera that wasn't filming amateur porn, gave it two sausage-like thumbs up, then broke the iron bench he was perched upon.
Emaciated super-models and bulimic starlets are expected to take full advantage of cheaper air travel, prompting men totally out of their league to fly unnecessarily. A CNN poll of men awaiting a flight out of Tulsa revealed that 46% of them were sure they'd be sitting next to Taylor Swift, while a mere .5% believed "curvy" Tony Romo reject Jessica Simpson would be their seatmate. "Simpson?" laughed one anonymous passenger. "She should take a limo - it'd be cheaper!"
Kate Moss, who recently flew from Paris to New York for $4.37 was confused by the move.
"I can afford to fly like an obese person. Next time I will put rocks in my pockets. Do you have any cocaine?"
The Professional Airline Flight Controller Association announced that in order to conform with the new policy, they will no longer refer to large airplanes as "heavies," but rather as "Fat Loads."
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