November 21, 2012
Sesame Street, U.S.A.

Former child star and breakout Muppet sensation Elmo remains in seclusion almost two weeks after his longtime puppeteer Kevin Clash was accused by two men of having consensual sex with them when they were teenagers.

Elmo, who is three and a half years old or forty years old depending on how old YOU are, began his career as a little used extra on the hit children's show Sesame Street in the early 1970's. He had a number of different partners (who didn't?) before settling down with Clash in 1984. The duo worked well together and Elmo's following began to grow, eventually equalling and then surpassing such Sesame Street stalwarts as Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, and Cookie Monster.

Technically Elmo was still a teen-ager in 1984 when Clash slipped his hand up the fuzzy red Muppet's nether regions and made him speak with a goofy high-pitched grumble. Prosecutors insist he did the same thing with the two teenagers.

Some legal experts, like David (the black kid who was studying to become a lawyer until Mr. Hooper died, forcing David to abandon his dreams and carry on as the caretaker of Mr. Hooper's store), feel that Elmo may be called to testify by prosecutors pushing to pin a predatory pattern of pedophilia on the popular puppeteer.

(Today's alliteration is brought to you by the letter 'P')

"It's not a good time to be an old gay guy playing puppets with children while also having sex with teenagers," explained David as he sadly pretended to stock shelves of generic food. "If Elmo is forced to testify against Kevin, it could open a floodgate. Can you imagine Frank Oz having to testify about everywhere his hand has been?"

Elmo has received public statements of support from other Muppets and puppets, most of whom have remained in consensual relationships with their puppeteers for years.

Bert and Ernie appeared together on Ellen to defend their longtime friend.

"We are not here to talk about Kevin Clash," Bert read from a prepared statement. Or maybe it was Ernie. "We are just here to support Elmo. The media is treating him like Mrs. Sandusky. Like he sat there watching the whole thing from behind a counter or some other waist high set piece. Nothing could be further from the truth. We asked Elmo and he told us 'Elmo was in his box while Kevin had sex with teenage boys. Elmo could hear them banging each other, but Elmo couldn't see anything. No matter how hard Elmo tried. Later Elmo told Big Bird what happened. Elmo figured that was all he had to do.'"

Crusty old vaudevillian ventriloquist dummy Jerry Mahoney weighed in on regular dummy Jay Leno's Tonight Show.

"This kind of thing went on all the time back in the day. How do you think Howdy Doody got his name? And don't get me started on Knucklehead."

When asked about Mortimer Snerd, Mahoney did a double take.
"Paul Winchell would never abuse a retard! I oughta know!"
He then rolled his eyes and laughed until he started coughing.

Creepy purple Telletubby Tinky Winky simply giggled and cooed "Buttfuck. Again!"

But not every Muppet believes that Elmo is completely innocent.

"Who does he think he's kidding? We're all trash!," growled Oscar the Grouch from deep within his surprisingly clean garbage can. "I never met a puppet or a Muppet who wasn't ready to take advantage of kids. Sell 'em toys, bribe 'em with cookies, indoctrinate 'em with liberalism, get 'em to touch where our junk should be. We're just like clowns and priests. Hell, Elmo used to toss me his leftovers. If he's innocent than I've never eaten a baby that some teenager threw away either."

Some people believe that Grover, Elmo's primitive blue predecessor, stands to gain the most from Elmo's fall. Orders for "Don't Touch Me Grover" dolls are already far ahead of "Tickle Me Elmo" for this Christmas Season.

Comment


Return To Archives


Return To Merry Standish Standard Main Page