June 12, 2010
Chico, CA
Shock waves continue to reverberate through Butte County following the surprising defeat of 31-year incumbent Supervisor Jane Dolan in last Tuesday's election.
Liberal Democrat Dolan lost her 2nd District seat to cranky conservative Chico City Councilman Larry Wahl, who squeezed out an impressive 53% victory turd.
Shocked supporters blamed everything from 'low voter turnout' (Democrat for 'midterm election') to teabags in the water supply in an attempt to explain Wahl's victory. Wahl's supporters cited the lack of LSD in the county as the reason, declaring the previous 30 years of The Dolan Era the result of a mass hallucination.
Dolan herself was more thoughtful, telling reporters, "Now I'll be able to stay at home and grow pot or play Chatroulette like everybody else. It'll be a nice change from three decades of selfless public fucking service."
While a small majority of voters are apparently glad to see her back in the kitchen, there is one former supporter who remains fearful of a bored, unemployed Jane Dolan shuffling around her home in fuzzy donkey slippers, drinking Pale Ale smoothies all day, and wondering if it's too late to have children. ("I believe I have some embryos in the freezer somewhere," she told reporters after her fourth martini at the Loser Party Tuesday night.)
California Democratic Party senior advisor and longtime big mouth Bob Mulholland is Dolan's husband. He is worried that having Dolan at home full time will lead to him having to get a real job.
"Jane's big, fat Butte County Supervisor check kept us farting in silk, so I've always had free time to roll around in the mud, manufacture last minute hit pieces, and polish up the Dome, if you know what I mean and I think you do." And we don't, unless that was a veiled threat to get involved in the Governor's race. Poor Moonbeam.
It's not just having the political freedom to do what he wants that Mulholland sees slipping away. He had also grown used to being a housefrau(d) and fears that Dolan's constant moping, sighing presence will upset his routine.
"How am I supposed to jack off to CSPAN with her here all day watching TVLand and gnawing on carrot sticks."
Maureen Kirk, now the only female left on the Board, and long the only moderate, will miss her "femraderie" with Dolan.
"Sure, it sucks to be the only gal at the sausage party. But Jane and I were more than the only two cans of tuna on the shelf. We were pillow-fight partners, oil-wrestling opponents, and would split a Carmel Macchiata before every meeting. Hers are some pretty big Birkenstocks to fill. I mean it--have you seen those clompers?"
Larry Wahl has been as gracious a winner as he knows how to be, according to internet gadfly Juanita Sumner who tapped Dolan's concession phone call to Wahl.
"When Jane offered her congratulations to the Supe-elect, he responded by requesting she get her 'skinny little ass out of his chair and start entering John Lennon look-alike contests. And take Bobo Mull-Ono with you!,'" typed Sumner, making up most of the quote herself and chuckling at her own cleverness.
Wahl has decreed that his first priority will be to erect a 500-foot tall dam at the Honeyrun Covered Bridge, thereby creating Honeyrun Lake and drowning "all the damn hippies that actually vote."
He also pointed out that if Butte Creek Canyon were completely submerged, the chances of it catching fire would be cut by nearly half. "We are squandering the opportunity to use that creek for hydroelectric power and if we lose a few enivornmentalpests like Kelly Meagher, well, it's his fault for buying cement Tevas."
Dolan will relinquish her seat to Wahl in January 2011, which gives Dave Guzzetti plenty of time to plan several catered brunches in her honor where she will be thanked by what's left of her supporters for throwing away the best years of her life on an ungrateful populace.
In the meantime, political analysts and irksome comedy reporters will continue to debate who could have been behind the unusual re-election slogan ("Good Job, Jane") that some feel reflected an arrogance of entrenched power and contributed to Wahl's victory.
Good Job, Bob?
COMMENT FROM STEPHANIE BIRD: I've been wondering who came up with the "Good Job, Jane" signs - it's the kind of sentiment you see expressed in a farewell tour. So it seemed self-fulfilling she lost the election, though I'm completely disappointed because she is a kick-ass supe and I'm not at all pleased with Wahl representing me. (And I still miss Mary Anne...)
COMMENT FROM ELIZABETH KIESZKOWSKI: Probably the most accurate thing we'll read about this election. Sad!
COMMENT FROM CRAIG BLAMER: I wonder how many folks voted for Wahl just to get him out of Chico?
COMMENT FROM LAUREL AVALON: You are super funny... always treading the fine line between lol and just plain mean. But you offer me a good alternative to slitting my wrists at the thought of being represented by a grouchy brick Wahl. So thanks for that!
COMMENT FROM JIM DWYER: Sad to say Wacko Wally Lair will provide even richer opportunities for satire than Jane.
COMMENT FROM JOE HAMMONS: Ouch.
COMMENT FROM KATHY DAIS: Hilarious!
COMMENT FROM BOB WALLEN: That Dolan piece was a riot. Frozen embyros....John Lennon look alike....beautiful. You should be writing for SNL
COMMENT FROM BARBARA McIVER: So funny! Jane stood to become the longest-ever county supe in CA - would have even beat LA's Kenny Hahn in tenure. Love the edition. Thanks so much for the laughs.
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