April 1, 2012
Chico, CA
The Chico Police Department says that even though Cesar Chavez Day (formerly known as St. Patrick's Day, formerly known as Pioneer Week) didn't turn into the drunken riot they had predicted, plans are still in place to quell any and all Easter celebrations.
"We heard there are large numbers of young people planning to gather near the Chico Area Recreation District (CARD) Center." explained police chief Mike 'Mike' Maloney. "They claim to be looking for colored eggs, but it's obvious they are just looking for trouble. Luckily we still have plenty of redneck back-up from nearby Tehama and Glenn counties who love to bust heads on the holidays. Plus it's overtime, so it's win-win."
The local and out-of-county officers will combine to present a formidable force of ofvicious resistance that should quickly disperse the group of rowdy, mostly 4-10 year-old, potential rioters. Some slow moving adults may also be trampled by mounted police if they attempt to, as one whiny mother put it, "save the children."
"That's a bunch of baloney," said Maloney, knowing reporters wouldn't be able to resist that quote. "For all we know it's the adults who are the problem. We have reports of grown-ups hiding plastic eggs full of candy and then encouraging the kids to compete with each other to find them. If that's not inciting a riot, I'll eat my taser."
The CARD Center is not the only area of potential violence. Police will also respond to reports of large gatherings outside local churches.
"They get all dressed up pretty fancy," explained Maloney, "You have to wonder where these people get the money to just show off like that every Easter. We're looking into possible gang affiliations. In the meantime, we see a frilly bonnet we crack the head wearing it."
"We don't understand this reaction," whimpered Esther Bonnie, organist for the First Church of Christ and Pawn. "We observe the downtown ban on glass eggs and everything! But they still threaten us with fuzzy handcuffs."
City leaders and business owners have given up trying to resist police crackdowns on holidays which used to bring lots of money into Chico.
"What are ya gonna do?" shrugged restaurant owner Scott Bagelman, who used to consider Easter Brunch one of his most profitable days. "It's just takes a few bad Easter eggs to spoil everything. And if you've ever eaten a bad Easter egg, you know what I mean..."
"We simply need to eliminate every holiday between Valentine's Day and Thanksgiving," announced Chico City councilwoman Mary Flynn, sipping on a virgin mimosa. "That way the kids will have nothing to party about except for the good weather, cheap booze, and burning desire to fuck and fight each other."
"We're doing a pretty good job of stamping out the Spring holidays," agreed fellow councilman Scott Gruendhole, "but there's still the potential for an early flare-up if the groundhog doesn't see his shadow or Johnny Appleseed Day falls on a weekend. What really worries me is Arbor Day--what's going to happen if thousands of out-of-towners descend on Chico wanting to plant trees? We've already got more trees than we need. It could get ugly fast. That's why I'm backing a media campaign to "Stay Out of Chico on Arbor Day" and approving the Chico P.D.'s request for more chainsaws. God help us all if we don't get a handle on this problem before it starts."
The Chico City Council will hear citizens make ridiculous arguments for and against the new War on Arbor Day campaign next Tuesday and hope to have new guidelines for drinking while gardening on the books soon. Go in peace.
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