Tombstone, AZ
March 8, 2010
Sixty year-old grandmothers having babies is becoming commonplace, but one courageous doctor is breaking down even more barriers and taboos. In what is being hailed as a major medical breakthrough, a ninety-seven year-old corpse has now given birth to twins, signaling an end to death being an obstacle to motherhood.
Dr. Moira Kinder, who performed the autopsical delivery, talked to reporters after the procedure. Reading from a prepared statement, she said, "It’s a medical miracle. Now dead women everywhere who want children can have their dreams realized. Why should they be singled out to be denied the joy of motherhood? This discrimination is over. Plus I’m going to be on Oprah next week!"
The fraternal twins, who were delivered by c-section to avoid a group of vaginal maggots, are healthy, happy and living with their big sister, seventy-three year-old Agnes Smorehead, near the cemetery where their mother is interred. "We couldn’t be more thrilled," she gushed. "Their great-great nieces and nephews can’t wait till they’re big enough to play with. Hope I can survive till they’re in elementary school. My husband and I have been talking, and we may do a post mortum pregnancy, too. Children are just so precious."
Octogenarians everywhere are signing up for the procedure, which involves a revolting removal of old eggs from the woman’s ovaries, referred to as “raisins”, mixing them up with some viagra produced sperm, and re-introducing them into the corpse’s womb, where they are nourished by a round the clock nurse.
The process is extremely expensive, but worth every penny according to eighty-four year-old Sun City resident Augusta Cromwell. "I have a very active lifestyle right now, what with shuffleboard, buffets, and going to the casino. I don’t have time for kids. If I can have them after I’m dead, it’ll be a lot more convenient for me."
Dr. Kinder is now treating Corpsemom for postmortem postpartum depression, but she is expected to make a full recovery and will soon be back to her normal decomposition routine.
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