November 17, 2012
Red Bluff, CA.
Red Bluff residents were not shocked, outraged or even aware in the least last week when grumpy old white man Rags Vernlin decided to stage a protest outside a theater that was showing the new Steven Spielberg movie "Lincoln".
Vernlin had taped his tiny ragged Confederate flag on the end of a large Citizens Band radio antenna mounted to his 1972 Dodge motor home as he had done for years.
But something no-one except Vernlin knew was that the flag was hung upside down.
"That's right," drooled Vernlin between spits and swallows of Beech-Nut. "The Confederacy is under attack and in distress. First the election and now this! Everyone knows Lincoln was a moderate Republican. It is a slippery slope that has led us to colored socialism!"
Asked how he could tell if the symmetrical Confederate flag was really upside down or not, Vern shrugged.
"I'm not sure. I think the 'Made in China' tag usually goes on top."
When informed that the flag was flying upside down--a universal distress signal and more recently a symbol used by crybabies to protest election outcomes--most Red Bluff citizens were unconcerned.
"Who cares which direction he flies his traitor flag," said decorated Union veteran Dean Reasoner, "At least we know where he's parked."
"Is it really upside down?," asked homeless schizophrenic Debbie Donut. "It could be sideways."
"Loser!," shouted several laughing children on their way to watch 'Wreck-It Ralph'.
But a few local fake rebels were moved to share their inbred opinions, which were very divided.
"I cain't believe that ol' boy would disrespect the stars and bars," Rayline Cooterfish wrote in her blog Rayline's Red Bluff Ramblings "That flag belongs to everyone. 'Ceptin Yankees, darkies, kikes and queers, of course. 'Tain't right for one guy to use it for just HIS hate. That flag represents all our alls hate."
But Lee "Fighting Dick" Smellything disagreed as he hoisted his own Confederate flag proudly up the flagpole he had mounted to his Wal-Mart shopping scooter.
"Ol' Rags is 100% right, The Confederacy is in trouble and the end times are near. Most of us figgered that out when the Union elected a foreign-born runaway in 2008. Now that all the moochers and atheists have joined forces with the colored socialists, we might as well call ourselves The Commiefederate States of America."
Lonely Facebook troll Lester Wolfman commented "Isn't it odd that everyone who opposes the Confederacy is perfectly happy living in the 21st century? The Union continues to buy votes by just handing out freedom and progress to anyone who wants it. I'll be flying my Confederate flag upside down forever. Of course, you'll have to take my word for it."
Howard Scripps corporate news lackey and Red Bluff Daily News 'editor' Chump Thompson showed his own colors, defending Vernlin with fiery words of mediocrity.
"Mr. Raglin was only expressing an opinion that most of us hold secretly, but are afraid to admit in print. So get over it. It's not like he burned the flag or gave it up to Grant or anything. And 'Old Surrender' is back in its place of honor on his antenna, flying free and right side up. At least I think it's right side up. Was it proper for Mr. Vernlin to hang his flag upside down to protest a movie that most Americans clearly want to watch because Daniel Day Lewis is great in everything? I don't know. Was it really even upside down? How can you tell? Either way, I commend him for speaking out and believe we can allow him a few hours of indulgence. Sic semper tyrannis!"
Newly elected Congresspuppet Doug LaMalfa would not comment beyond saying "He's One Of Us" before swaggering off in his big dumb hat and high heeled girly boots.
The firestorm of media and community opinion has affected Vernlin.
"Maybe I shouldn'taoughta done it," opined Vernlin while thoughtfully sipping on a Black Label beer that had the word 'Black' scratched off. "At one point I just wanted to hide, so I went inside the theater and watched the movie. It was purty good. Almost made me think everything I believe is wrong. Luckily, there's a happy ending."
Dying holdouts, rebel re-enactors, and other racists will be glad to know the Confederate Flag is flying right side up--at least we think it's right side up--in just about every town in Northern California somewhere.
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