March 26, 2010
Redding, CA


Further proof that children and comedy writers are watching too much television came this morning when newborn Redding eaglet, Peace, was spotted terrorizing a local backyard chicken brood before picking a fatal fight with a much bigger bird.


Puffing out his small, downy chest and strutting around the yard proclaiming "I'm a chicken hawk, goddammit," the newborn eagle failed to scare any of the unfazed fowl. His rants resulted in little more than getting the chickens to stop pecking each other for a few seconds.


Disappointed that no one was taking him seriously, the young symbol of our nation set out to capture a genuine hawk and was quickly eaten by one.


Eagle advocate and nest stalker Denise Yergenson is very upset about the death of Peace. "I don't know what is going on with kids today. Television violence has made them insensitive and convinced they will live forever. Eaglets need more positive role models. He wasn't even fledged yet! Waaaaaahhhhhh!"


Construction Guru Anthony Ortiz watched the young raptor make his fatal error. "We were hanging out on the Hwy 44 bridge as usual, playing mumblypeg and throwing rocks at cars. All of a sudden this fuzzy little guy comes whipping out of the nest, complaining that nobody understands him, and BAM-POOF! a redtail hawk bites his little head off. 'Live by the beak, die by the beak,' I guess."


The eagle parents, Liberty and Patriot, blame the newly relaxed chicken zoning regulations in Redding for their son's demise. Patriot points out that with chickens in every backyard now, the temptation was just too great for poor Peace. "It was like putting Tiger Woods in the girls' locker room," the grieving father told reporters while his mate fussed forlornly with their nest and remaining eggs.


This is the second tragedy to befall the northstate's beloved eagle family. Peace's older brother, Bob, was eaten by former vice-president Dick Cheney while still in his shell last month.


The mourning parents say they will only allow their other hatchlings to watch 'Dancing With The Stars' and the History Channel.


Check out the very much alive eagle family at Eagle Cam


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