Feb. 19, 2010 Vancouver, B.C.

Homosexual men all over the world are drying their tears today after Evan Lysacek, a straight man, edged out Russian flamer Evegni Plushenko for the gold medal in men's figure skating last night. Plushenko, who called Lysacek a "little bitch who can't even land a quad - much less suck cock," has vowed to continue competing, if only to force this issue down our throats.

"Gay men need to take back this keystone of our lifestyle," said Congressman Barney Frank (D-Mass.) "First Prop. 8 and now this. Is there not a crumb that can be left for our hungry little gay mouths? What's next - straight Chippendales?"

Gay groups are planning protests at skating rinks across the country today, but nobody is too worried. We spoke with one straight man outside the Brick Ice Palace in Brick, New Jersey. "What are they gonna do," asked almost toothless hockey player Burt Puck, "choke me with their feather boas?"

There are a few American gay men who are torn. "I love the idea of more gold being won by the USA; silver and bronze are so tacky!" lamented Carson Freely, an avid figure skating fan. "But this brings back memories of Scott Hamilton, the last straight man to win. I still can't go to Disney on Ice because of him."

And straight men everywhere are confused by the sudden attack. "They act like straight white men run the world," said Jody Vetrano, loving hetero husband and father. He added, "Men figure skate? And it's considered a sport? That's fucked up."

The International Olympic Committee is now considering Men's Ice Dancing to appease the bewildered fans. "That'll keep them busy designing spandex and rhinestone codpieces," chuckled an anonymous IOC spokesperson.

Keith Kendall - "Heh heh his hand is a peacock, heh heh"

Sherry B. - "gratuitous queer humor - of course ice skating is a safe place for fags - as well as massage, hair salons, theater, etc etc - blah, blah, it's 2010 all freakin' right..."
Merry Standish responds - You're right, Sherry. Time for a new headline---"Comedians Take Easy Way Out - Shoot Fish in Barrel"
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