April 1, 2012
Shingletown, CA.
Tired of answering questions about his various lawsuits against Shasta County and the recent report that he shoved an old woman into a cabinet and tried to stuff a $100 bill in her mouth, weirdo grape farmer Reverge Anselmo crapped his pants and then scooped the poop out to throw at a reporter on Sunday.
"It all happened so fast, I never knew what hit me," said a stunned Ryan Soblowme, writer for the Redding Record-Searchlight, as he continued to scrub his face raw where chunks of Anselmo's possibly rabid droppings had landed. "As a member of the media, I'm used to taking shit from the public, but this is a first."
Witnesses say Soblowme had attended Sunday services at Anselmo's illegal tea party chapel near Shingletown in order to follow up on all the recent stories emanating from what neighbors call "the mad cow compound" or "Anselmoland".
When Anselmo learned Soblowme was not there to worship at his altar, he began making grunting noises and his face turned "several shades of purple," according to wine expert Douglas Hartbern (who ought to know). A beatific smile then spread over Anselmo's face.
"The next thing you know there was feces flying everywhere," said Krystal Berger who waits tables in the winery's restaurant.
Not all Anselmo's neighbors view his actions as insane or illegal.
Piney Ponderosa, who lives in a camper shell-turned-condo a few miles from the winery, says this is exactly the reason he likes having a millionaire in the neighborhood.
"It's trickle down economics," Piney earnestly explained, "If you stand close enough to rich people, you're bound to get some on you."
Anselmo denied pooping his pants or throwing anything at anybody or that his name was even Anselmo or that it was Sunday or what you looking at, peasant?
He plans to sue Soblowme and the Record-Searchlight for "stealing his essence" and the County of Shasta because why the hell not?
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