February 20, 2010
Washington, D.C.
Former Secretary of State, four-star general and America's shortest serving president died today from something or other. He was 85.
Haig is best remembered as the man who led the country for less than a minute in 1981 when President Ronald Reagan forgot to duck and was shot by Jodie Foster's bestest fan.
Haig quickly informed the press that "As of now, I am in control of the White House." Several seconds later, after the laughter died down, he was told to sit in the corner and think hard about what he had said.
His administration was surprisingly active for its short tenure, forcing through legislation which would have made Haig king or emperor depending on who he was talking with and naming all national parks, forests, and highways after the former Chief of Staff for Richard Nixon.
Rumors followed Haig for years that he was the anonymous Watergate insider "Deep Throat", but he always insisted his manly gag reflex prevented that.
He also briefly ran for president again in 1988, but withdrew from the Republican primaries
after losing a third grade straw poll in Iowa. Haig said he preferred simply assuming the reins of power whenever he felt like it and would leave democracy "to the other sissies."
President Obama, who seemingly can't kiss enough Republican ass these days, praised Haig. Former President George W. Bush said he always admired the administration of "Old Number 40.1"
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