May 28, 2010
Paradise, CA


Decorated veteran of the 4077th M*A*S*H unit and local window-selling shill Gary "Radar" Burghoff is troubled by the recent increase in hostilities between North and South Korea. He recently spoke with reporters who had gathered at the Paradise Ace Hardware store, which is hosting a retrospective of Burghoff's work as a paint-by-number wildlife artist.


"I haven't seen the peninsula this bad since that time we had to bug-out because Colonel Flagg tried to investigate Major Hoolihan. He thought she was undercover for North Korea, but she was really under the covers with Major Burns," said the former company clerk as he sipped on a gin-laced Grape Nehi. "Then there was the time Klinger decided to work the pole at Rosie's Bar and Hawkeye had to fight a bunch of Jarheads who wanted more than a dance from Klinger. Hoo boy!'


Burghoff paused in the middle of his recollections to let the laugh track fade.


"But this is almost real," he continued, while coaxing his pet rabbit to take a carrot from his mouth. "I mean, what with that ship (The Cheonan, which is Korean For Tonkin Gulf) being sunk and all."


Then he cocked an ear and motioned for silence.


"Choppers," he whispered, holding his tattered, soiled teddy bear tightly to his chest. Another pause. "It's just the sheriff looking for weed," he said finally, relaxing and continuing with his reminisces as several reporters left to check their plants.


Burghoff refused to comment on whether he had been tapped to play Kim Jong Il in the new Oliver Stone film about life in contemporary North Korea. "I'm not allowed to talk about it till we find out how it ends," the enigmatic Burghoff confided, adding an unnecessary "So solly!"


Pressed by internet gadfly Juanita Sumner to say if he thinks the Korean tensions will lead to an actual war and (fingers crossed!) a new sitcom about the war, Burghoff answered the question before Sumner finished asking it.


"That'd be great, but I don't think they'll call me. I was too old to play myself then, much less now. I think that kid from 'Harry Potter' could do a good job. But why remake the Korean War? We already did that with Viet Nam. And we're remaking Viet Nam in Afghanistan, so what's the point? Unless it's in 3-D--that would be cool. In the meantime I'm perfectly happy with my Theatre on the Ridge work."


Burghoff will be starring in his one-man avant garde production "Death of A Window Salesman" at the theatre through June.


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