February 11, 2010
Red Bluff, CA
Full-time patriot and professional pain-in-Jim Nielsen's-ass Don Bird says he now has evidence that the carpetbagging assemblyman who recently bought Doug LaMalfa's District 2 seat is an alien from outer space.
Bird, a former Marine and X-Files agent, has long argued that Nielsen lied about his Gerber residency so that he could switch heads with LaMalfa and continue preparing the state for invasion by republicans from another planet.
"He has a house in Woodland where he hangs out with other rich alien life forms, but he keeps his space ship in Gerber so he can claim he lives in our district," said Bird from his office outside the Red Bluff Walmart.
Charges of being an illegal alien have hounded Nielsen since the 1980's when he
pretended to be a state senator from Rhonert Park while he was actually transmitting vital information to his galactic masters from a lair in, again, Woodland.
Fellow space cowboy and former Attorney General Jerry Brown covered up for Nielsen, dismissing charges of false residency and anal probing. Brown then apparently used a
Men In Black Memory Erasing Pen to make voters forget that Nielsen was a scout for alien invaders and would claim to live anywhere just to get his tentacles on another seat of power.
Bird says his attempts to expose Nielsen for the two-headed Gommarian Slime Lizard that he really is have been obstructed by two Tehama County judges, the district attorney, and the sheriff.
"They may not all be aliens," exhorted Bird as he adjusted the antennas on his tinfoil hat, "but it's obvious they've been implanted with brain-burrowing Venusian Mind Worms. Otherwise they would act on the evidence which I have presented."
Bird's evidence allegedly includes blurry photos of Nielsen and some ape-like creatures dancing around a monolith on the Gerber property. He also claims to have been abducted by
aliens calling themselves The Nielsen Family, who were strongly opposed to term limits and seemed to know every television show Bird had ever watched. He narrowly escaped by waking up.
Since then Bird has made it his mission to expose Nielsen. He has threatened to place the assemblyman under citizen's arrest on the residency issue and says he will extradite him to a Klingon prison planet for violating the Constitution and the Prime Directive.
Assemblyman Nielsen could not be reached for comment at either of his residences, but neighbors in Gerber report the mobile home there has risen up on huge legs and is moving through the town using a deadly ray beam to burn a half mile wide swath of death and destruction, causing several million dollars worth of improvements.
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