February 22, 2010
Washington, D.C.
Halfway into the first day of a new law recognizing the right of citizens with permits to carry their concealed handguns in national parks, the law has come under fire from the National Rifle Association as an infringement of Americans' right to bear arms.
NRA Executive Vice-President Wayne LaPierre released a statement denouncing the new law, which was passed as a rider attached to a credit card reform bill (makes perfect sense).
"This is an attempt by the government to leave law abiding citizens practically defenseless in the face of rifle fire and at a serious disadvantage against shotguns. Plus what about bears? Have you ever tried to kill a bear with a pistol? You can do it, but it's not pretty or easy. And your average Joe Grandma is not going to have room in her fanny pack for such a big handgun."
Second Amendment stalwart and limited guitar talent Ted Nugent says its not just about the practical issues that LaPierre points out, but something bigger.
"Why the hell should I hide my firearms?," ranted Nugent on the NRA's CB radio talk show. "Concealed carry is for half-men and girlyboys too afraid to wear their guns outside their belt in a proper holster right above your 12-inch Bowie knife where it can do some goddam good - Ziggy Stardust, my ass. Some of those wimps don't even have one in the chamber and most of 'em are carrying 9mm mouseguns. I'm supposed to be afraid of that? I eat .45s and shit 9mm!"
(Editors Note: Mr. Nugent actually packs a 10mm Glock and shits small animal parts)
Boston T. Party, author of 'Boston's Gun Bible', says being limited to one or two hidden handguns could simply get a person killed.
"A pistol is just a way to fight your way back to your rifle which you should have never left in the first place. You might as well just strap on some tampons."
"Teddy Roosevelt carried a Winchester into Yosemite and John Muir had a stick. Who do you think ate better?," wrote historian Shelby Footnote in a recent issue of 'Gunboy'. "Not that most gun owners would hunt in national parks, but what if you just had to or were too drunk to know better?"
Critics of the critics of the new law say anyone who wants to carry a gun is scary and should be shot. "This is just bad craziness," said Jah Rodriguez, national parks enthusiast. "How am I supposed to feel safe in my my pot patch with all those gun nuts out there?"
The NRA will continue working to revise the new law to allow all guns everywhere, lobbying to attach it as a rider to the health care bill. In the meantime, members of the anti-gun organization The Brady Campaign suggest those who feel undergunned staying in national parks should try vacationing in Iraq, where they could openly carry any weapon they want and support our troops at the same time.
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