March 10, 2010
Manton, CA
As the sun began a glorious rise over Lassen Peak this morning, residents of the small foothill town of Manton--man and beast alike--emerged from their shelters to assess the horrific results of last night's vicious winter storm. The frozen water monster dumped up to two inches of light, fluffy, dry snow that will probably be completely melted by the end of the day.
"I didn't know what to expect," said lifelong Mantonian, Wilbur Hutspring. "I mean we've had snow here before--I still remember the Great Blizzard of November '09, which also left a couple inches--but this was different. It just happened overnight, like magic."
While Hutspring was thankful to escape with his life and home intact, other members of the 150 year old former mining and logging community were not so lucky.
Volunteer Fire Marshall Bill Pointydress said he answered a record number of calls related to the snowfall, including reports of a four inch avalanche near St John's Monastery, a snowball fight between Mr. Hatfield and Mr. McCoy, and several incidents of people being stuck in their outhouses and driving off the road.
"Of course those last two happen every Saturday," explained a somber Pointydress, "but when you throw two inches of snow into the mix, well...have you ever seen a porcupine and a baby in a flour sack together? It's not pretty."
While electricity and water continued to work, there were scattered reports of looting and cannibalism. Brock Prickles was forced to eat his entire family when the light dusting of snow made it inconvenient for him to use his expensive four-wheel drive truck to get to town. "I probably could have made it, especially since the snow didn't even stick on the road, but I'm sure my family wouldn't have wanted me to take that chance."
The children of Manton had it doubly tough, enduring minutes-long waits in their parents' heated SUVs before getting on the school bus for the short ride to the cozy schoolhouse. A few of them could be seen struggling to get a snowman finished before being whisked off to the gilded cage that is The Manton School. Fourth grader Methlyn Williams was dismayed. "This isn't supposed to happen after Christmas. Why does Jesus hate us?"
Animals in the area were also affected by the harsh judgement of Mother Nature.
Birds will have to spend the morning sunning themselves and riding warm thermals until the snow has melted enough to get back to stealing seedlings. Horses and other livestock are forced to eat hay that has been thrown on top of fresh snow instead of into the mud. Dogs frolic and play on the sparkling white blanket, pretending they don't care about another day of productivity lost to the elements.
Local hack comedian Liz Merry has found new compassion for those less fortunate. "Now I know how all those poor shmucks on the East Coast felt all winter. I shouldn't have been so harsh in my derision of their less than perfect weather. I feel really bad about it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get on my bikini and some sunscreen for a quick 10 mile loop on my cross country skis before this shit turns back into mud."
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