Feb. 16, 2010
Redding, CA
Liberty, the famous Redding bald eagle and reality T.V. star, laid her first egg of the season yesterday on Presidents Day. But as she and her mate, Patriot, looked on in horror the egg was scooped up and eaten by former Vice-President Dick Cheney.
Cheney had heard the egg would soon be laid (and delicious) from former Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin who elicited loud cheers at the Redding Convention Center a week ago when she joked to a supportive crowd, "If that egg wasn't gonna be a y'know an unborn symbol of our great nation, I'd wait around for Liberty to get her act together and scramble it up like spotted owl and serve it to my retarded kid with moose sauasge."
The former vice-president was apparently lowered from a helicopter under cover of night into the renowned nest on Highway 44. The California Department of Transportation has a camera focused on the nest that is accessed by millions on the internet, but it is turned off at dark to give the new parents and their ovum some privacy.
Cheney reportedly scared the eagles away from their nest by shooting a friend in the face with his shotgun, rappelling down an Air Force drop line, and devouring the egg, shell and all, as he stood alone in the nest. He then let out a blood-curdling scream, dived into the river below, and caught a fish in his teeth before returning to the helicopter.
Current Vice-President and amateur bird watcher Joe Biden responded to the report on the Rachel Maddow Show.
"My good friend Dick Cheney is a total asshole. This loving father and family man has just eaten the egg of Liberty and I'm sure he would have you believe President Obama is soft-boiled on eagle eggs. I will personally kick his saggy ass the next time I share an intimate dinner with him at Ruth's Chris. He has poached the egg of Liberty and the yolk's on us. Is he evil or only sunnyside down? Maybe he's just plain hungry? Either way, invading Iraq was one of the most serious foreign policy blunders in American history."
Turtle Bay docent and eagle lover Denise Yergenson who witnessed the late night sneak snack attack was stunned by the display of raw animal savagery. "His eyes...his awful yellow eyes...I thought he was going to eat me next!" At press time, Cheney's daughter Mary was still the only one in the family who admits to eating women.
Self-described "Construction Guru" Anthony Ortiz, who tests materials for the Hwy 44 Bridge Project, has some ideas for experiments to keep the rest of the eggs safe. "Last week we tried using some leftover oatmeal to mortar together a few key support beams. It proved to be a bit too chewy, so I am making some decoy eggs in case the former Vice President returns. We have fashioned a fake nest out of toupees we found in Win River's parking lot, and it's a perfect match. Really, he should appreciate this. Oatmeal is very heart healthy."
With a two to three day wait being normal between egg layings, fans of Liberty and Patriot are hoping other disgraced members of the Bush Administration will just eat breakfast at the Country Kitchen like everybody else.
Cheney released a statement which read simply "Go fuck yourself."
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