June 12, 2010
Sacramento, CA
Doug LaMalfa's decisive primary victory over former Republican butt buddy Rick Keene, has left the new 4th District State Senate candidate and his unemployed shyster rival bitterly divided.
Reports have surfaced that Keene has sent hundreds of nasty text messages to the Man In The Big White Hat, accusing him of vote stealing, hit pieces, and "breaking my tiny shriveled heart, you rice burning bitch."
Keene and LaMalfa were once thick as thieves when they worked together in the State Assembly, but term limits and power mongering combined to turn true love into a contentious primary battle. Sources close to the estranged couple say the two broke up during a candlelit dinner at which each had decided to tell the other about his plan to run for Sam Aanestad's seat.
"Rick got down on one knee and took Dougie's hand," confided a confidential source, "and asked him to endorse him for State Senate. Doug threw down his napkin, took a small velvet box from his pocket and said, 'This was for you! I was just going to ask for YOUR endorsement! Now everything's ruined! I hate you! I hate you!' Then he ran off and spun a few brodies in the driveway before peeling out into the night."
Ever since then it's been a regular catfight between the longtime politicians who both swear they're not longtime politicians. An increasingly dirty campaign unfolded with LaMalfa emerging victorious in what Keene calls a travesty and everyone else calls a landslide.
Normally, when two politically identical candidates become rivals in a primary, they make up immediately after the vote is in, with the loser throwing his or her endorsement to the winner. So far there has been no sign of reconciliation for these two bruised and battered former soulmates.
"I'm just sorry it had to end this way," fake cried LaMalfa as he loaded twenty-five undocumented workers into his deuce-and-a-half for the long ride from the Home Depot to his rice paddies.
"I wish me and Ricky could still be friends. Sure I called him a liberal ambulance chasing weasel who is paving the way for invasion by Mexico, but that was only because he pointed out that I got rich off government rice subsidies. That's low, man. He knows darn well anybody who receives less than $2 million in subsidies is a family farmer. I mean, that barely covers the cost of leaving 2000 acres fallow every year."
LaMalfa also defended a last-minute mailer that portrayed Keene with a bag over his head.
"That's how he always liked it," chuckled LaMalfa, scratching his crotch and sipping on some moonshine. "He said it was because he didn't want to be recognized on Craigslist, but I think he likes the smell of his own breath. He was really into all that Abu Graibbe stuff, too. 'Naked Pyramid' was his favorite."
Keene was unable to be reached for a direct quote, but has been tweeting 24/7 since then.
"60-40? WTF? Does that sound fixed to anybody?"
"Have you seen that video on YouTube of Doug eating boogers? LMFAO!"
"St8 Sen8 - who cares?"
"Anybody know how to remove a white cowboy hat tattoo?"
"He doesn't even EAT rice! Hypocrite"
While local pundits believe Keene and LaMalfa will eventually rekindle their relationship, most are hopeful the spiteful bickering continues for a little while longer. "We haven't had this much fun since Bernie Richter was alive," said hangdog journalist Tom Gascoyne. "Did I tell you what my dog did last week?"
They will certainly be renewing their vows before October, when the campaign against the Democratic candidate Lathe Gill will be in full swing. "There's no way we could stay mad at each other that long," wheezed LaMalfa while tossing sacks of cash in the bed of his Bentley pick-up truck, "but I'll be damned if I make the first move. He owes me an apology. And another dinner. I hate him, I hate him, I love him."
COMMENT FROM LARS LARSON: You so funny!! So sad, they were such a perfect couple. CommentReturn To ArchivesReturn To Merry Standish Standard Main Page
