March 29, 2010
Sacramento, CA.
Former California State Assembly lovebirds Rick Keene and Doug LaMalfa have split and their recent estrangement is creating a political love triangle. They are both in pursuit of the 4th District State Senate District seat and their relationship is now on the rocks.
There have been some very public barbs in the acrimonious split. Wealthy lawyer Keene sniped jealously about the millions of dollars LaMalfa has in his war chest. "Well, if I was a welfare queen milking farm subsidies my whole life I'd be a lot richer than I am now too."
Dougie was visibly hurt by the accusation, wiping his tears away with hundred dollar bills and then throwing them onto the rice fire. "That's just an insult, man," LaMalfa said, "You sure didn't mind all my money when Daddy was donating to your 2002 campaign, now did you? I am SO glad I made you sign a pre-nup."
Northstate political observers have been watching the pair closely, knowing that with their nearly identical conservative voting records, the campaign had to get personal at some point.
"We agree on everything," Keene quipped. "We're political soulmates and it's going to be a tough choice for those who have to endorse one or the other of us. I hope I don't have to air ALL his dirty laundry. Especially his stretched out, threadbare poop-stained undies."
It's a familiar situation everyone has faced at some point. You're friends with a married couple for years. They get a divorce. You can't keep them both. You have to choose which one gets invited to all the parties. Normally, you want to get rid of one of them anyway, so it's an easy call. But Keene and LaMalfa were always so right for each other, having voted the same way 100% of the happy time they spent together in the State Assembly. What's a PAC to do?
If you're the Howard Jarvis Taxpayer Association, you play both ends against the middle. The conservative watchdog group has officially endorsed LaMalfa, but it gave Keene more money - $2,000 compared to $1,000 for LaMalfa. Essentially, LaMalfa became their wife and gets to use the Jarvis name, while Keene became the mistress and gets all the good jewelry.
LaMalfa has also been endorsed by The Redding Chamber of Commerce, where he has spent much time canoodling with phony patriots and unemployed militia members. Keene learned of the endorsement during a speech he was making at a pre-school. He insisted he didn't care because "Redding is a fucking dump and those people should all catch AIDS and die. Is this thing on?"
Keene, for his part, has received the endorsements of several high profile state Republicans, including Sam Aanestad, for whose seat the two are competing and whose name has too many A's in it.
Big time endorsements are not the only thing at stake in this catfight. Keene and LaMalfa are quarreling right down to the crumbs, just like all rich assholes.
Nelva Goosewhip of Orland reports the two have both been courting her vote. "The dang varmints were camped out on my doorstep for days, offerin' to mow my lawn and beggin' for my vote. I had to step over them to take my chihuahua, Beaner, out for a walk. I finally got the scattergun and chased 'em off." When asked if she had a favorite candidate, Gooeswhip replied, "Hell, I don't care. Which one of 'em hates hippies more?"
A recent study shows both men hate hippies (and Mexicans) exactly the same amount.
Ricky and Dougie will remain separated, fighting over every endorsement and vote until June 9, the day after the primary election. Then one will be the Republican candidate for the 4th District and the other will have to make like Assemblyman Jim Nielsen and find another district full of rubes to rule.
(Former State Senator Nielsen, a Woodland resident and professional carpetbagger
who pretends to live in Gerber, replaced LaMalfa in the Assembly's 2nd District in 2008 because of term limits. The same reason Keene is leaving the Assembly and breaking LaMalfa's tiny heart by getting in on the incestuous game of musical senate seats. Who says term limits don't work?)
Post-election counseling will force the loser to "stand behind" the winner with that jilted wife smile as they present a united front against the Democratic candidate, whoever that poor loser may be.
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