February 1, 2010
Washington, D.C.
In a decision spotlighting his administration's reliance on cutting edge technology, President Barack Obama has announced plans to auction off the country of Iraq on ebay.
The President told Oprah via Skype that he has been watching "Hoarders" and noticed the White House still had lots of leftover clutter from the previous administration despite a year of coming up with new euphemisms for the same old problems.
"I was going to have a yard sale and try to unload it, but the Secret Service said that wouldn't be safe. Too much white trash mucking up the White House lawn. It would be like an open invitation to the Malahis. Also, an auction on ebay would allow people from all over a world the chance to bid on this fabulous and rare item."
The president added that the starting bid would be $700 billion, just to cover America's investment, and that he would probably pay the extra fifty cents to have a ten-day auction, as opposed to a three, five, or seven day auction. He elaborated, "As fun as it is, people can't spend all day on ebay. I know how busy our schedules can be, even with everyone unemployed."
He has chosen several pictures to appear in the auction, including a controversial one of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld sitting on Saddam Hussein's golden commode. "That crapper alone has got to be worth a million. A lot of famous a-holes have rested there."
This will be the first time an entire country has appeared on ebay, and top executives hope the president will set a new precedent.
"We may need to set up a new category for sovereign territories," said an excited Bizz Johnson, Executive Vice President of Category Application. "We've had some requests for information from Bolivia and Somalia. Liechtenstein is trying to come up with a realistic reserve price. We're hoping to see Haiti on here by the end of the month. I can tell you right now that will go for a song."
The White House is hoping for a lively bidding war on Iraq, with lots of looky-loos and a flurry of activity just before the auction closes.
"Some people think we should be paying THEM to take Iraq off our hands," Obama said, "But one president's folly is another president's treasure. If this goes well, I might consider selling Afghanistan and Texas."
For more info on how you can bid on Iraq, email Vice President Joe Biden at
1hrtbtaway@whitehouse.gov.CommentReturn To ArchivesReturn To Merry Standish Standard Main Page
