January
The year starts off with big excitement as US Airways Flight 1549 makes a side trip into the Hudson River from LaGuardia Airport. Heroic pilot Chelsey "Sully" Sullenberger becomes an overnight sensation for not shitting his pants and no one makes fun of his 70's porno mustache. A week later, Barack Obama becomes the first African American Muslim Socialist President of The United States, despite the fact he was not born on American soil AND speaks in complete sentences. Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich tries to sell Obama's vacant Senate seat to the highest bidder. Al Roker offers him $200, but is edged out when perennial perjurer Roalnd Burris buys the seat in a second chance offer on ebay. Also in January, unemployed collagen addict Nadya Suleman gives birth to 8 children, much to the chagrin of her 6 other kids, who realize Christmas is going to totally suck from now on. The nation is horrified by her freakish behavior and overinflated lips, on which Goodyear offers to buy ad space.
February
Former First Lady Hillary Clinton is sworn in as Secretary of State. Former President Bill Clinton is very supportive of his wife's position, encouraging her to go abroad. Often, like he does. Flight 3407 crashes at Buffalo-Niagra Airport, killing 49 people on board and one on the ground. The young, inexperienced, sleep deprived pilot was found to have no mustache, thereby making a Sully landing nearly impossible. Later in the month, President Obama signs a $787 billion Stimulus Package, $780 billion of which is earmarked for Christmas bonuses at Goldman Sachs. The remaining $7 billion will be spent maintaining Recovery.gov, which will follow the distribution of the funds. At the Academy Awards, Heath Ledger is awarded the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor posthumously for his portrayal of the Joker in The Dark Knight, proving some people will do anything to win an Oscar.
March
Bernie Madoff, King of the Ponzi Schemers, gets 150 years in prison. He immediately gets other prisoners to invest their cigarettes wih him, promising them a carton return on every 5 packs they shell out. Of course, everyone wants to deal with a man of his fame and prestige and soon the inmates have invested all their cigarettes with Bernie. He begins selling the invested packs for 3 times the normal price to the nicotine starved genpop, and returns the promised profit to the original investors, who now become Bernie's Bitches. Having successfully cornered the market on prison cigarettes and forming his own gang, Madoff sits pretty for months, till the house of cards finally collapses and he is gangraped, shanked, and left to lie in his own bloody shit. Elderly Jews riot in the streets of Boca Raton to celebrate.
April
Pirates take American cargo ship captain Richard Philips hostage off the coast of Somalia for 5 days in April, asking $2 million for his return. Mrs. Philips offers them $200 to keep him. The US Navy sends in snipers, picking off three of the four pirates and rescuing Philips. Jack Sparrow, the lone surviving pirate, goes on to make a film version of Sweeney Todd. Amateur porn star and breast implant poster girl, Carrie Prejean, says gay marriage is immoral during the Miss USA pageant. She becomes the darling of the right wing and Fox News announces its support for a Palin/Prejean Republican Party ticket for 2012. Barry Goldwater's grave ignites when his corpse spins for a week straight.
May
The big news is the break-up of Jon & Kate, the stars of a reality tv show based on their marriage and 8 children. America jumps the shark. In other televison news, Jay Leno hosts his last Tonight show, taking a huge gamble by moving to a similar program an hour earlier, which turns out to be the stupidest thing ever done in the history of the world.
June
President Obama goes to Cairo, where he gives a speech rife with secret messages to his Muslim brethren. Conspiracy theorists decode the seemingly diplomatic speech to get to its true meaning, which was "OK - we're in! The infidels have fallen for the whole 'born in Hawaii' thing and now we can complete the Muslim takeover of the world - Bwahahahaha!" Of course, nobody in America notices because Michael Jackson dies. Farrah Fawcett does, too, but the deification of the unigloved pedophile overshadows every other story for weeks on end, prompting Nancy Reagan to remind everyone that Ronnie is still dead, too.
July
Alaska Governor and Tina Fey impersonator Sarah Palin quits her job while insisting she's no quitter. She announces she is writing a book, which is amazing because no one knew she had ever even read one. President Obama permanently ends racism by hosting the first ever White House Beer Summit. Joe Biden crashes the party, making the attendees uncomfortable by telling them how much he loves them and puking in the bushes. Venerable newsman Walter Cronkite dies, and everyone agrees that today's newcasters are not fit to lick his wise old balls.
August
Bill Clinton personally rescues Al Gore's reporters Laura Ling and Euna Lee from North Korea, which had held them for months. Clinton says he has always loved Pyongyang and can't wait to get some more. Elderly people once again prove how easy they are to dupe when Town Hall meetings are held nationwide to discuss Health Care Reform, with imaginary government Death Panels being a central issue. The Teabaggers hold rallies protesting the ridicule they receive for calling themselves Teabaggers. Ted Kennedy dies of natural causes, a first for his family.
September
Mouammar Kadhafi addresses the UN General Assembly after camping out in NJ in a tent, calling it the most peaceful and lovely night he has ever spent. President Obama addresses Congress, urging support for Health Care Reform. When the president denied his plan would provide care for illegal aliens, Congressman and apparent Tourette's sufferer Joe Wilson (R-SC) screams "You lie!!" Later, Wilson called the reporters questioning him about it "Lying Scumbags" and his own mother "The Devil's Whore". At the MTV Video Awards, Kanye West mugs Taylor Swift onstage, stealing the microphone and demanding her purse. Pervert Roman Polanski, who fled to Europe after pleading guilty to the rape of a 13 year old girl in 1977, fights extradition to America. Hollywood races to his defense, calling him a talented director who made a mistake a long time ago and can't we just let it go so we can be in one of his films? Polanski thanked his supporters, especially his 12 year old wife whom, he claims, has the body of a 10 year old.
October
Chicago loses its bid to host the 2016 Olympics. The city blames the defeat on the curse of a barnyard animal, like they always do. The nation watches in horror as a helium ballon which may or may not have a young boy in it speeds across the skies. When it is revealed that the boy is not inside and the whole deception is a hoax, nobody is happier to hear it than David Letterman, who admits on his tv show to having sex with women who worked on his staff (pun intended). He vows to spend the rest of his life making it up to his wife and searching for Nicole Brown Simpson's killer. The World Series is an unbelievably bad situation for Mets fans, as their two most hated rivals face off against each other. The addition of Kate Hudson to the Yankee roster seems to do the trick, and the Bronx Bombers defeat the Philthies while this reporter cries into her beer.
November
The World's Most Important Woman, Oprah Winfrey, announces her plan to end her tv show in 2012, giving her devoted followers time to get used to the idea while awaiting further orders. Reality show rejects Tareq and Michaele Salahi crash a White House State Dinner, meeting and rubbing elbows with all the real guests. The numerous photos that surface show Michaele shaking hands with the President and giving Joe Biden a lap dance. White House Security promises never to let the Salahis in to any future function and then rush off to close the barn door because the horse had run out. Finally, in the biggest story ever to hit the world of golf, Tiger Woods' army of slut girlfriends start their own Facebook page. That big, fat ugly wife of his finds out and tries to kill him with a 5 iron. This story is so important, it carries over into...
December
In an amusing irony, President Obama announces the addition of 30,000 troops to Afghanistan while simultaneously accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. This is almost as funny as when Kissinger won it for bombing Cambodia on Christmas. Trying to "Pull a Leno", the Pope announces that Christmas Eve's Midnight Mass will be held at 10PM, so the Pope can get to bed before Santa Claus arrives. "He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you're awake," the pontiff explained.
2009--We hardly knew ye, but we're glad to see ye go.
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