Jan. 5, 2009
Redding, CA
Congressman Wally Herger (R-Chico) who stepped into the national spotlight last year when he proclaimed himself a proud supporter of right-wing terrorists, was spotted at the Holiday Inn on Hilltop Drive Monday night engaging in what is commonly referred to as a "teabag party".
The "parties", which consist of angry, scared, mostly old white people, are sometimes called a "movement". As in, I drank too coffee this morning and I really need to make a movement.
Apparently Herger engaged in the usual teabagger activities which included waving guns around, keeping Mexicans out, and labeling health care reform as socialism. He also took part in the historic teabagger tradition of "getting teabagged" by allowing every male member of the audience to place their nut sack on his face.
"It wasn't easy," smiled Herger in his usual fake fashion, "some of those nut sacks are pretty old and saggy. A couple of them covered my whole face!"
"I got both my nards in his mouth," proclaimed Hank Lynch, an unemployed disabled mill worker who says he is "two hundred percent against" any form of government aid except "unemployment and disability benefits."
"He's the kind of regular guy who does regular guy things, just like us," agreed Clem Flemble, as he pulled his overalls up after laying his large, hairy, slightly rashy balls on the Chico Congressman's frozen grin.
"I wish I was a man," lamented Viola Turnip, "Then I wouldn't have to ask my husband who to vote for and I could know the joy of Mr. Herger's face under my scrotum."
Erin Ryan, president of the Redding TeaBaggers, hopes this sets a trend for other conservatives coming to the area.
"If we could get Sarah Palin to let a couple veterans rest their fellas on her chin next month," explained Ryan, "We'd have a line clear down to Anderson." Ryan was referring to the former governor of Alaska and current quitter on twitter who will be promoting her children's book "Going Retard" at the Cascade Theatre in February.
"Wally Herger has set a great example for other politicians who come to the northstate by listening to what we have to say and getting his face close enough to smell our taint," said former Redding mayor and development man-whore Ken Murray. Mr. Murray may or may not be a teabagger, but he is a founding member of the Redding Douchebaggers.
"Mr. Herger is just like me," said the former radio host through a toy megaphone he brought. "A traditionalist who views the slave trade, Native American genocide, and corporate control of government as necessary to a free people. If you don't believe in those things you're probably a communist or colored."
"By gollywoggle, this has been a heap of good fun," said Herger as the last of the sour-faced self-proclaimed patriots lowered his testicles neatly into the congressman's eyesockets. "I'm sure this is how George Washington felt when he put his balls on the face of the British Empire."
While that final teabagger adjusted his family jewels and sat comfortably on Mr. Herger's mask of a face, the diminutive lawmaker added, "mmppmmppmmpp" before simply humming "Dixie" as the crowd went home to watch Glenn Beck and wait for the end times (known to the rest of America as The State of The Union).
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